"Because It's You"

3:05 AM | April 2nd, 2015

Because I can't sleep, because my eyelids are still damp, and because I'm not "over it" yet.

It has been nearly six months... Can you believe that? Six months of loving you. Six months since my first heart break yet six months that I've grown tremendously.

You have taught me to become a less bratty version of myself. You have taught me to become a more selfless version of who I am. And you have taught me to love unconditionally. Forever I will be gratefully in debt to you for all these lessons. But, the lessons cost quite a lot... A lot more than I could afford... I have been trying to grind myself, to really work on my brattiness, to really trim down my dramatic ways and irrational cries; I really have been trying. But it cost me my self esteem--- Now, I'm completely dependent; I'm completely lost when it comes to taking for me. I have became a pushover and I have gotten a lot less bratty, but I've also gotten a lot less confident. I've been selfless in our relationship, from the smallest things like gathering up all the courage to bike to your place at 2 in the morning when I'm terrified of biking alone, especially in the dark; and to always thinking of you first before thinking for myself, asking you what you want to eat so I can get it for you, even when I only have enough money to buy one, I choose your needs before mine; and to let my worries and sadness go so we don't fight, to hold it in. I've gotten a lot more selfless compared to the girl I was before, but dear have I gotten so selfless, giving away so much of myself and I have nothing left for me; I've became lost without you, completely vulnerable. To love unconditionally, well we all know the price I have to pay for this one as to sit in lecture; the pain I've gone through, the waiting, the tears, the heart breaks, the shattered fragments of normative thoughts. I love you, unconditionally, so much that I have put myself down to be able to push you up. So much that you always come first.

You have turned me into a ticking time bomb. So many emotions, so many unspoken words, so many "hard to talk about's", and so many fears and worries. Every time you're not around, I always feel antsy, because I'm scared you're out doing things with some other girl, like you did, almost all the time. Or you're trying to feed your ego by getting at girls. Neither of those two should be factors to consider now, I suppose. I have always denied to myself that you'll change and you'll start to realize you only need me... I've always told myself unconditional love and care will be enough to motivate you to be a better person, but my job is obviously not showing progress. I have gotten myself fired; no, I did not quit, simply got myself to be fired. It's easier this way. It's going to be easier of me to let go. As long as I don't see you, I won't get weak.

I have chosen the hardest the decision of my life to let you go. This time, the difference is this... I will no longer turn to look back anymore. I won't run to anyone crying about it, so don't worry. From now on, I'm just going to be alone, on my own, by myself, to heal. One day, I'll be able to look at you and not feel so painful and mistrusted. One day, hopefully, I can look at you and see the righteous young man I know you could be. And I hope to see you realize what you have in your life.

God, I'm terrified... You know that? I'm terrified that you won't miss me for long, you won't regret any of it and definitely not going to fight for me. I've been so terrified that I didn't realize it's already a theory, not a research anymore. You're never scared to lose me, because you're always confident in yourself to keep me and my heart. You're never jealous, because you don't think you have something good, you don't think you have something worth bragging about, you don't think you have something valuable so you don't treasure them. Is it sad that I have to be terrified that you won't miss me...? I'm terrified that you won't wake up at 5 in the morning one day and realized you've let the best thing that has ever happened to you, go. I'm terrified that you won't regret sharing so much with me because it' no big deal. And sure as hell not miss my opinionated opinions. And I'm sure you won't miss our intellectual debates, talks and sharing of ideas. But I will. I will miss it all. Every single one of it.

Find your way back home to me when you're ready to build a home, not a house. Until then, go enjoy your life and be free to do whatever you may like.

Dandelion, go, go, set yourself free.

Once you have the thought of ignorance in your head, you start to lose people. When you’re so ignorant to think that they wouldn’t leave your side, you place so much hurt on them, it forces departure. Love and care, like every single fucking product on this planet, have expiration dates when you don’t treasure and cherish them. Love is so fragile and trust is so goddamn hard to give out; appreciate and be bloody thankful for what you have before you lose every single speck of it and you’ll be left with nearly nothing but the cutting feeling of regret and wishes of going back in time. Oh, wait, no, you’ll also be left with the things you dropped every thing for, the things which turned out to not be as fucking great as you thought they would be.
Aren’t you tired of giving away unconditional love when it’s not appreciated or reciprocated?. Of course, it’s not something you can take back, but you sure as hell can take yourself away from someone who’s not growing you, supporting you, holding it down for you. God damn, remember who you are. You are strong and you are an independent young lady who needs no damn peasant to let you lean on, you have yourself and the rest of the world, your world. Lean on that because one day, the worlds you thought you had to lean on, will collapse and yours will be the only one standing. You will often stand alone, don’t be scared; chin up and walk into the damn unknown with your head held high, tears held back, and shoulders held up.
If you’re putting in 75% to only get 45% back, it’s a trade deficit. Wouldn’t it be better to take that 75% else where and invest that in another trading company to get more out of it? Why are you still standing there like an idiot?
And when did you get stuck in the prison of please? When did you start to make yourself this god damn unhappy so you can make every one else happy? When did you hold back your mind and mouth so you can stay behind so some one can be ahead? When did you settle down for second best of yourself? When did you become okay with less than what you know you can aim for? When did you become so weak...? You've gone into this imprisonment camp because of what? Love? You gullible child, why cry alone over things you're afraid to speak up about? Why be upset and leave marks on yourself over things you don't think you can change? What happened to the leader I once knew?
Go. Set yourself free. Your key is right over there; you just have to find the courage within yourself to walk on your own through the dark tunnel to reach the bright room with the people who have been waiting for you since forever. The tunnel is lonely and scary, but you will be okay. You have light and happiness waiting for you at the end where life begins. So, go.
Go... And fly back to your castle. Be your own independence. Restore yourself back to the strong queen you used to be. Go. And don't turn back again.