"Because It's You"

3:05 AM | April 2nd, 2015

Because I can't sleep, because my eyelids are still damp, and because I'm not "over it" yet.

It has been nearly six months... Can you believe that? Six months of loving you. Six months since my first heart break yet six months that I've grown tremendously.

You have taught me to become a less bratty version of myself. You have taught me to become a more selfless version of who I am. And you have taught me to love unconditionally. Forever I will be gratefully in debt to you for all these lessons. But, the lessons cost quite a lot... A lot more than I could afford... I have been trying to grind myself, to really work on my brattiness, to really trim down my dramatic ways and irrational cries; I really have been trying. But it cost me my self esteem--- Now, I'm completely dependent; I'm completely lost when it comes to taking for me. I have became a pushover and I have gotten a lot less bratty, but I've also gotten a lot less confident. I've been selfless in our relationship, from the smallest things like gathering up all the courage to bike to your place at 2 in the morning when I'm terrified of biking alone, especially in the dark; and to always thinking of you first before thinking for myself, asking you what you want to eat so I can get it for you, even when I only have enough money to buy one, I choose your needs before mine; and to let my worries and sadness go so we don't fight, to hold it in. I've gotten a lot more selfless compared to the girl I was before, but dear have I gotten so selfless, giving away so much of myself and I have nothing left for me; I've became lost without you, completely vulnerable. To love unconditionally, well we all know the price I have to pay for this one as to sit in lecture; the pain I've gone through, the waiting, the tears, the heart breaks, the shattered fragments of normative thoughts. I love you, unconditionally, so much that I have put myself down to be able to push you up. So much that you always come first.

You have turned me into a ticking time bomb. So many emotions, so many unspoken words, so many "hard to talk about's", and so many fears and worries. Every time you're not around, I always feel antsy, because I'm scared you're out doing things with some other girl, like you did, almost all the time. Or you're trying to feed your ego by getting at girls. Neither of those two should be factors to consider now, I suppose. I have always denied to myself that you'll change and you'll start to realize you only need me... I've always told myself unconditional love and care will be enough to motivate you to be a better person, but my job is obviously not showing progress. I have gotten myself fired; no, I did not quit, simply got myself to be fired. It's easier this way. It's going to be easier of me to let go. As long as I don't see you, I won't get weak.

I have chosen the hardest the decision of my life to let you go. This time, the difference is this... I will no longer turn to look back anymore. I won't run to anyone crying about it, so don't worry. From now on, I'm just going to be alone, on my own, by myself, to heal. One day, I'll be able to look at you and not feel so painful and mistrusted. One day, hopefully, I can look at you and see the righteous young man I know you could be. And I hope to see you realize what you have in your life.

God, I'm terrified... You know that? I'm terrified that you won't miss me for long, you won't regret any of it and definitely not going to fight for me. I've been so terrified that I didn't realize it's already a theory, not a research anymore. You're never scared to lose me, because you're always confident in yourself to keep me and my heart. You're never jealous, because you don't think you have something good, you don't think you have something worth bragging about, you don't think you have something valuable so you don't treasure them. Is it sad that I have to be terrified that you won't miss me...? I'm terrified that you won't wake up at 5 in the morning one day and realized you've let the best thing that has ever happened to you, go. I'm terrified that you won't regret sharing so much with me because it' no big deal. And sure as hell not miss my opinionated opinions. And I'm sure you won't miss our intellectual debates, talks and sharing of ideas. But I will. I will miss it all. Every single one of it.

Find your way back home to me when you're ready to build a home, not a house. Until then, go enjoy your life and be free to do whatever you may like.

Dandelion, go, go, set yourself free.

Once you have the thought of ignorance in your head, you start to lose people. When you’re so ignorant to think that they wouldn’t leave your side, you place so much hurt on them, it forces departure. Love and care, like every single fucking product on this planet, have expiration dates when you don’t treasure and cherish them. Love is so fragile and trust is so goddamn hard to give out; appreciate and be bloody thankful for what you have before you lose every single speck of it and you’ll be left with nearly nothing but the cutting feeling of regret and wishes of going back in time. Oh, wait, no, you’ll also be left with the things you dropped every thing for, the things which turned out to not be as fucking great as you thought they would be.
Aren’t you tired of giving away unconditional love when it’s not appreciated or reciprocated?. Of course, it’s not something you can take back, but you sure as hell can take yourself away from someone who’s not growing you, supporting you, holding it down for you. God damn, remember who you are. You are strong and you are an independent young lady who needs no damn peasant to let you lean on, you have yourself and the rest of the world, your world. Lean on that because one day, the worlds you thought you had to lean on, will collapse and yours will be the only one standing. You will often stand alone, don’t be scared; chin up and walk into the damn unknown with your head held high, tears held back, and shoulders held up.
If you’re putting in 75% to only get 45% back, it’s a trade deficit. Wouldn’t it be better to take that 75% else where and invest that in another trading company to get more out of it? Why are you still standing there like an idiot?
And when did you get stuck in the prison of please? When did you start to make yourself this god damn unhappy so you can make every one else happy? When did you hold back your mind and mouth so you can stay behind so some one can be ahead? When did you settle down for second best of yourself? When did you become okay with less than what you know you can aim for? When did you become so weak...? You've gone into this imprisonment camp because of what? Love? You gullible child, why cry alone over things you're afraid to speak up about? Why be upset and leave marks on yourself over things you don't think you can change? What happened to the leader I once knew?
Go. Set yourself free. Your key is right over there; you just have to find the courage within yourself to walk on your own through the dark tunnel to reach the bright room with the people who have been waiting for you since forever. The tunnel is lonely and scary, but you will be okay. You have light and happiness waiting for you at the end where life begins. So, go.
Go... And fly back to your castle. Be your own independence. Restore yourself back to the strong queen you used to be. Go. And don't turn back again.

Midnight Snack

I don't know what the reason it's for, but I can't help the feeling of always falling short to anything that comes up. Whatever it might be, I always feel like I'm coming up short. I always feel like losing to something in your life. I know there are questions I shouldn't ask, but I can't help but ask then no surprise but feel shitty afterwards. How could there be so many before me and why do I always feel so short? Nothing we do is special because they all have already been tried and done. I never know what to do to make you feel special anymore because all have been done. I always feel like I'm losing even when I'm not supposed to be competing for anything. I don't feel like the best or the only one. I'm probably most likely asking for way too much again. But it's okay, because eventually I'll have to run out of tears. 

Since You.

Oh Han, since when did you....

Since when did you forget who you are... Since when did you forget what you deserve in a relationship... Since when did you bow down to someone thinking you cannot do any better? Since when... Darling, don't forget who you are and don't let him fool you into thinking you should not think highly of yourself because you always should be. Love is kind, love is blind. You foolish child, you have truly forgotten the person you were raised to be, independent and held to the highest standards. Of course, be kind and put yourself in others, but child, don't be fooled into thinking you deserve the bare minimum and the low end of average. You should not be the one bending over and kissing feet to earn affection when they should be crawling to the end of the earth for you, child... Since when did you forgive and run back into the arms that shattered you? Since when did you give second chances knowing it's not worthy? Since when did you love so much you're losing yourself? Since when did you forget the standards you hold up so high? Since when did you let anyone affect how you think of yourself? Does it matter if they think lowly of you when they only heard one side of the story? Han, since when did you start to care about what they think? Since when did you forget, it doesn't matter what they think of me, as long as I know who I am? Since when did you toss that away, child....? Since when did you start walking more than half way then all the way to the end to meet their needs and leave yours behind? Since when did you start settling for good enough...? 

Oh Han.... Since when did you lose yourself and the sight of who you are....

Even though it’s the most pathetic thing to do, I still always hope that one day, you’ll wake up and realize how right we were together. How your body fits so right next to mine and how fit our minds were. When will you realize how genuine my love and care are? Probably never… Probably never in a million years will you ever.

Do you ever take a step back and think, “Wow this girl fucking loves the shit out of me no matter how much of a mess I am…” Do you? Because seriously, that’s me and my love in a nutshell. When did I ever want someone this bad? So bad I’m chasing when they don’t want to be chased? Not by me anyway. But, since when did I let a guy take this much space in my heart then my head?

Do you not ever see how much I want to be by your side and support you but how do I when all you want me to be is a friend, one of the many girls you talk to? You talk to others just like this? You make them swoon over you just like this? Then what? Leave just like that? God, to think I was special. And what I had to offer was enough… Han, Han, Han. All the stress and sleep deprivation are truly, surely getting to your head and infecting your heart with delusional thinking.

Do you ever think back to what we had and just think to yourself, “Some people search their entire lives for something like this and I just tossed it away…” Do you? Do you understand how painful it is to hear, “I didn’t realize that’s what I wanted.” It came off as, “I didn’t realize you were not what I was looking for until I met someone who is.” Basically like, “I found what I was looking for, here, go away, you’re dismissed. Oh, and everything we had was just because I didn’t know what I wanted. Now I do and it’s not you.” God, that hurt. Especially when it was everything I ever wanted.

How was it so easy for you to dismiss me and your feelings for me when it’s not working out that way for me…?

I know I should, but I don’t want to forget a single thing that happened.

Because it meant the universe to me…

I don’t want to forget you because you’re the only person my heart craves for and my mind longs for. I don’t want to forget our memories because they keep me sane when life constantly throws rocks at my window. I don’t want to forget the talks we had because they’re the words I recite and relive in my head when my heart is breaking.

Stupid, I cannot forget, anyway, no matter how hard I try; because your words are the words I mumble when I fall asleep, our memories are the ones I see when I’m asleep, and you… Your voice, your face, your smile, the feel of your soft hair, your smirk, your scent, your lips, and every other beautifully crafted thing about you, I picture every time I open and close my eyes.

And then every moment in between, I’m picturing you as if you were still mine.

I need to stop writing about you. The more I write about you, the fonder my heart grows of you and the deeper my mind longs for you. The more I write about you, the sadder the thoughts of you and what’s left of you, get. The more I write about you, the realer reality gets; the reality that I was the unwanted. The more I write about you, the puffier my eyes get in the morning. The more I write about you, the more my heart aches.

But, the thing is, writing about you is the only chance I get to fully let myself dwell and think back on what we had and all the laughters we shared. Writing about you is all I have left to collect the fragments back together and figure out what I did wrong. Writing about you is how I try and figure out how I wasn’t enough to make you stay.