"Because It's You"

3:05 AM | April 2nd, 2015

Because I can't sleep, because my eyelids are still damp, and because I'm not "over it" yet.

It has been nearly six months... Can you believe that? Six months of loving you. Six months since my first heart break yet six months that I've grown tremendously.

You have taught me to become a less bratty version of myself. You have taught me to become a more selfless version of who I am. And you have taught me to love unconditionally. Forever I will be gratefully in debt to you for all these lessons. But, the lessons cost quite a lot... A lot more than I could afford... I have been trying to grind myself, to really work on my brattiness, to really trim down my dramatic ways and irrational cries; I really have been trying. But it cost me my self esteem--- Now, I'm completely dependent; I'm completely lost when it comes to taking for me. I have became a pushover and I have gotten a lot less bratty, but I've also gotten a lot less confident. I've been selfless in our relationship, from the smallest things like gathering up all the courage to bike to your place at 2 in the morning when I'm terrified of biking alone, especially in the dark; and to always thinking of you first before thinking for myself, asking you what you want to eat so I can get it for you, even when I only have enough money to buy one, I choose your needs before mine; and to let my worries and sadness go so we don't fight, to hold it in. I've gotten a lot more selfless compared to the girl I was before, but dear have I gotten so selfless, giving away so much of myself and I have nothing left for me; I've became lost without you, completely vulnerable. To love unconditionally, well we all know the price I have to pay for this one as to sit in lecture; the pain I've gone through, the waiting, the tears, the heart breaks, the shattered fragments of normative thoughts. I love you, unconditionally, so much that I have put myself down to be able to push you up. So much that you always come first.

You have turned me into a ticking time bomb. So many emotions, so many unspoken words, so many "hard to talk about's", and so many fears and worries. Every time you're not around, I always feel antsy, because I'm scared you're out doing things with some other girl, like you did, almost all the time. Or you're trying to feed your ego by getting at girls. Neither of those two should be factors to consider now, I suppose. I have always denied to myself that you'll change and you'll start to realize you only need me... I've always told myself unconditional love and care will be enough to motivate you to be a better person, but my job is obviously not showing progress. I have gotten myself fired; no, I did not quit, simply got myself to be fired. It's easier this way. It's going to be easier of me to let go. As long as I don't see you, I won't get weak.

I have chosen the hardest the decision of my life to let you go. This time, the difference is this... I will no longer turn to look back anymore. I won't run to anyone crying about it, so don't worry. From now on, I'm just going to be alone, on my own, by myself, to heal. One day, I'll be able to look at you and not feel so painful and mistrusted. One day, hopefully, I can look at you and see the righteous young man I know you could be. And I hope to see you realize what you have in your life.

God, I'm terrified... You know that? I'm terrified that you won't miss me for long, you won't regret any of it and definitely not going to fight for me. I've been so terrified that I didn't realize it's already a theory, not a research anymore. You're never scared to lose me, because you're always confident in yourself to keep me and my heart. You're never jealous, because you don't think you have something good, you don't think you have something worth bragging about, you don't think you have something valuable so you don't treasure them. Is it sad that I have to be terrified that you won't miss me...? I'm terrified that you won't wake up at 5 in the morning one day and realized you've let the best thing that has ever happened to you, go. I'm terrified that you won't regret sharing so much with me because it' no big deal. And sure as hell not miss my opinionated opinions. And I'm sure you won't miss our intellectual debates, talks and sharing of ideas. But I will. I will miss it all. Every single one of it.

Find your way back home to me when you're ready to build a home, not a house. Until then, go enjoy your life and be free to do whatever you may like.

Dandelion, go, go, set yourself free.

Once you have the thought of ignorance in your head, you start to lose people. When you’re so ignorant to think that they wouldn’t leave your side, you place so much hurt on them, it forces departure. Love and care, like every single fucking product on this planet, have expiration dates when you don’t treasure and cherish them. Love is so fragile and trust is so goddamn hard to give out; appreciate and be bloody thankful for what you have before you lose every single speck of it and you’ll be left with nearly nothing but the cutting feeling of regret and wishes of going back in time. Oh, wait, no, you’ll also be left with the things you dropped every thing for, the things which turned out to not be as fucking great as you thought they would be.
Aren’t you tired of giving away unconditional love when it’s not appreciated or reciprocated?. Of course, it’s not something you can take back, but you sure as hell can take yourself away from someone who’s not growing you, supporting you, holding it down for you. God damn, remember who you are. You are strong and you are an independent young lady who needs no damn peasant to let you lean on, you have yourself and the rest of the world, your world. Lean on that because one day, the worlds you thought you had to lean on, will collapse and yours will be the only one standing. You will often stand alone, don’t be scared; chin up and walk into the damn unknown with your head held high, tears held back, and shoulders held up.
If you’re putting in 75% to only get 45% back, it’s a trade deficit. Wouldn’t it be better to take that 75% else where and invest that in another trading company to get more out of it? Why are you still standing there like an idiot?
And when did you get stuck in the prison of please? When did you start to make yourself this god damn unhappy so you can make every one else happy? When did you hold back your mind and mouth so you can stay behind so some one can be ahead? When did you settle down for second best of yourself? When did you become okay with less than what you know you can aim for? When did you become so weak...? You've gone into this imprisonment camp because of what? Love? You gullible child, why cry alone over things you're afraid to speak up about? Why be upset and leave marks on yourself over things you don't think you can change? What happened to the leader I once knew?
Go. Set yourself free. Your key is right over there; you just have to find the courage within yourself to walk on your own through the dark tunnel to reach the bright room with the people who have been waiting for you since forever. The tunnel is lonely and scary, but you will be okay. You have light and happiness waiting for you at the end where life begins. So, go.
Go... And fly back to your castle. Be your own independence. Restore yourself back to the strong queen you used to be. Go. And don't turn back again.

Midnight Snack

I don't know what the reason it's for, but I can't help the feeling of always falling short to anything that comes up. Whatever it might be, I always feel like I'm coming up short. I always feel like losing to something in your life. I know there are questions I shouldn't ask, but I can't help but ask then no surprise but feel shitty afterwards. How could there be so many before me and why do I always feel so short? Nothing we do is special because they all have already been tried and done. I never know what to do to make you feel special anymore because all have been done. I always feel like I'm losing even when I'm not supposed to be competing for anything. I don't feel like the best or the only one. I'm probably most likely asking for way too much again. But it's okay, because eventually I'll have to run out of tears. 

Since You.

Oh Han, since when did you....

Since when did you forget who you are... Since when did you forget what you deserve in a relationship... Since when did you bow down to someone thinking you cannot do any better? Since when... Darling, don't forget who you are and don't let him fool you into thinking you should not think highly of yourself because you always should be. Love is kind, love is blind. You foolish child, you have truly forgotten the person you were raised to be, independent and held to the highest standards. Of course, be kind and put yourself in others, but child, don't be fooled into thinking you deserve the bare minimum and the low end of average. You should not be the one bending over and kissing feet to earn affection when they should be crawling to the end of the earth for you, child... Since when did you forgive and run back into the arms that shattered you? Since when did you give second chances knowing it's not worthy? Since when did you love so much you're losing yourself? Since when did you forget the standards you hold up so high? Since when did you let anyone affect how you think of yourself? Does it matter if they think lowly of you when they only heard one side of the story? Han, since when did you start to care about what they think? Since when did you forget, it doesn't matter what they think of me, as long as I know who I am? Since when did you toss that away, child....? Since when did you start walking more than half way then all the way to the end to meet their needs and leave yours behind? Since when did you start settling for good enough...? 

Oh Han.... Since when did you lose yourself and the sight of who you are....

Even though it’s the most pathetic thing to do, I still always hope that one day, you’ll wake up and realize how right we were together. How your body fits so right next to mine and how fit our minds were. When will you realize how genuine my love and care are? Probably never… Probably never in a million years will you ever.

Do you ever take a step back and think, “Wow this girl fucking loves the shit out of me no matter how much of a mess I am…” Do you? Because seriously, that’s me and my love in a nutshell. When did I ever want someone this bad? So bad I’m chasing when they don’t want to be chased? Not by me anyway. But, since when did I let a guy take this much space in my heart then my head?

Do you not ever see how much I want to be by your side and support you but how do I when all you want me to be is a friend, one of the many girls you talk to? You talk to others just like this? You make them swoon over you just like this? Then what? Leave just like that? God, to think I was special. And what I had to offer was enough… Han, Han, Han. All the stress and sleep deprivation are truly, surely getting to your head and infecting your heart with delusional thinking.

Do you ever think back to what we had and just think to yourself, “Some people search their entire lives for something like this and I just tossed it away…” Do you? Do you understand how painful it is to hear, “I didn’t realize that’s what I wanted.” It came off as, “I didn’t realize you were not what I was looking for until I met someone who is.” Basically like, “I found what I was looking for, here, go away, you’re dismissed. Oh, and everything we had was just because I didn’t know what I wanted. Now I do and it’s not you.” God, that hurt. Especially when it was everything I ever wanted.

How was it so easy for you to dismiss me and your feelings for me when it’s not working out that way for me…?

I know I should, but I don’t want to forget a single thing that happened.

Because it meant the universe to me…

I don’t want to forget you because you’re the only person my heart craves for and my mind longs for. I don’t want to forget our memories because they keep me sane when life constantly throws rocks at my window. I don’t want to forget the talks we had because they’re the words I recite and relive in my head when my heart is breaking.

Stupid, I cannot forget, anyway, no matter how hard I try; because your words are the words I mumble when I fall asleep, our memories are the ones I see when I’m asleep, and you… Your voice, your face, your smile, the feel of your soft hair, your smirk, your scent, your lips, and every other beautifully crafted thing about you, I picture every time I open and close my eyes.

And then every moment in between, I’m picturing you as if you were still mine.

I need to stop writing about you. The more I write about you, the fonder my heart grows of you and the deeper my mind longs for you. The more I write about you, the sadder the thoughts of you and what’s left of you, get. The more I write about you, the realer reality gets; the reality that I was the unwanted. The more I write about you, the puffier my eyes get in the morning. The more I write about you, the more my heart aches.

But, the thing is, writing about you is the only chance I get to fully let myself dwell and think back on what we had and all the laughters we shared. Writing about you is all I have left to collect the fragments back together and figure out what I did wrong. Writing about you is how I try and figure out how I wasn’t enough to make you stay.

I don’t know about your wishful desires, but mine are simple yet hard to achieve.

I want a partner who can genuinely understand my frustration with the ignorance of the world’s viewpoint for political matters. Who can really, deeply understand my absolute hatred for dishonesty and the unjust. Who can come up with a comeback to shut me up with my sarcastic and annoying remarks. Who can tolerate the fact that I’m high maintenance when it comes to relationships once they have become official; because a promise is a promise and if you don’t think you can keep it, don’t commit yourself to it. Who can be the column of support and security I seek when I’m scared of something like my parents probably getting a divorce. Who can see the things I have to offer up in my head and down in my heart and see past the flaws and walls I have. Who will think I’m worth it and wouldn’t let me sacrifice what I believe in, for him. Who will make some “dank” rice with eggs, spam, and soy sauce. Who would know all my likes and dislikes and when I’m actually allergic to certain things rather than just lying to give an excuse of not wanting to eat them. Who will put me to sleep with beautiful words and wake me up with tender kisses. Who will challenge me as a person; socially, physically and emotionally.

Someone who will see me, for me. And actually, truly want that and determine that I’m worth fighting for no matter how much I resist to lower my walls from the pain of the past.

Where are you…? Come, because I need you…

Do you get these images in your head about what we could have been if you let us? I do… Quite too often. I always see the stupid things like your dorky face when I start an argument with you, I always see you scrunching your nose when I do something odd, I see your smile when you get something you want, I see a lot. The dates we would have, the memories we would make, endless laughters and stupid little conversations and on and on. Even doing the littlest things with you makes me feel like I’m the luckiest girl on the planet.

There are so many things that I want to talk to you about, so many things I want to share with you, so many stories I would love to tell you, so many secrets I want to show you, but you don’t care to know any of it. Unspoken words and deferred thoughts are the absolute worst. But, you don’t deserve it anymore, to get into that head full of wonders of mine, you don’t deserve to know my opinions and thoughts on anything anymore. My head is my most treasured part of me and my thoughts box is my favorite part of me while my heart is the most fragile and innocent, I let you in all of them, because you were right, you were right. Not anymore… The only thing I regret is giving you the access to the most treasured parts of me.

One day, when you’re sitting there watching movies on your bed or when you’re trying to get at a girl whom you realized can’t hold an actual conversation with you about the things that you have so much passion for, or when you’re walking around State Street, or when you’re reading the news about the things you know I’m passionate for, or when you’re cooking eggs with spam and rice, or when you do the littlest, stupidest thing like using soy sauce, or when you come across my pictures, or when you see the stuffed animal I got you on your bed, or when you think back to all the things we talked about, the things we argued on, the things we debated for, or even when you’re about to fall asleep and you reach over to realize I’m not there for you to pull into your arms, or when you smell something that reminds you of me, most importantly, when you’re with someone and you realize she doesn’t care and love you as genuinely as I did, I hope you start to miss me.

I know that hoodie should be returned to you so that one day you can give it to the girl you were meant to be with when she gets cold or when she parts from you and you don’t want her to miss you so much, just like how you did for me, but let me keep it… Let me at least keep one thing to remind myself it was something real, not a dream that I had that can’t be relived. I know it’s supposed to be hers, but let me keep that one thing…

02:14 am

This marks the end of my battle for you and what we had. Knowing you have chosen to sacrifice me and what we had for the good of others, I admire you, for being so selfless, but I hate you, for choosing to sacrifice my happiness without giving me any choice. But I guess this is how it is when you fall for someone who doesn’t care to put you first. My friend, you had something every one searches an entire lifetime for yet you tossed it away. But, maybe that’s because I’m not good enough, hell, who am I kidding, I am more than good enough, it’s you. 

You chose to let your clouded judgment get in the way of the good thing and now you lost it. I hope one day you’ll be able to find the happiness you so called longed and looked for. I hope you find the person you choose to become and the life you want to live and the person you choose to give your heart to. Because I love you, I told myself I’d hold out for you, but why hold out for someone who won’t ever come back? Excuses only satisfy the person making them. I was the only dumb one who chose to believe them, because I didn’t want to lose you and the hope that one day, what we had will come back. That one day, the connection we had will become powerful enough for you to realize how perfect of a fit we were. I was wrong. 

One day, I’ll be able to fall in love with someone who will treasure me for what I have to offer up in my head and down in my heart. Someone who will put me first for a change, and don’t end up regretting and taking back the love he gave me. Who would actually sacrifice, for me. One day, he’ll come and I hope yours does, too. I thought you were the person I’ve been searching low-key for, but you aren’t. My genuine love might not be enough for you, but one day, it’ll be enough for someone and he’ll be the luckiest guy on the planet. And when that day comes, I’ll tell him all about you and the precious mental connection we had and how perfect of a fit we were, in my eyes, then you chose someone else over me. And I’ll tell him that I hope you’re happy with your choice because I’m happy with mine. 

Goodbye, P. I hope you the very best in life and maybe one day, when we cross paths, I’ll be able to wish you happiness and best of luck. Until then, I’ll get stronger every day by not thinking about you and every thing we had. I will be okay, eventually. 

18:04 

It’s ironic how you messaged me last night after I decided to move on. It’s like you always find the right time to get to me, and you know how to, too. Why do I even find it surprising though… You always knew how to get to me. Even in the littlest to the biggest things, you knew. Since when did the heart get so weak over someone? Especially someone who could care less for it. Oh, Han, when did you become so weak… 

For reasons unknown, what I treasured so much is forever lost, unable to be returned to me, no matter how much I want it to be. For the goods of my best interests, those reasons are to be kept from me. What right do I have left in my disposal when my right of knowing the reason of my pain is robbed from me? It feels cruel; being murdered then tossed in the trash. I don’t understand the convictions of it, but you killed me. And I feel pathetic for giving you the wielding of the power in the first place. Even now, when I’m supposed to be moving on, you still are wielding that power, but soon, eventually one day, I’ll take it back. I’m getting closer and closer every day. And one day will come when you no longer have any effect on me. 

Every time you talk to me, I get the hope that we’ll come back together, but it’s not going to happen any time soon. To you, I was recess, now it’s back to whatever you had going on before me. But, it’s okay. Every day, I’m getting closer and closer to being okay with the fact that you’ve moved on. Every day, acceptance is becoming a closer finish line. Every day, it’s getting closer, but today… today is not that day… 

Because every inch of my body is still aching every time I hear, "It’s not coming back, Han. This is the way it has to be…" My heart still aches, I’m still aching. 

Today’s progress: 0